Memories in a Glass Bottle
by HammersNStrings
Summary: One-shot. Remus tries to drown the sorrow over leaving his wife. A song fic written while listening to "Take Me As I Am" by Seven Wiser. Pretty angsty stuff.


**Author's Note: **What if Remus didn't need Harry to realize the mistake he'd made? I've always thought Remus to be a thinking man, and going back to his wife seemed like something that he would be able to work out without any help or harsh words from angsty teenagers. Here's my take on it.

I was inspired to write this fic by the acoustic version of "Take Me As I Am" by the group Seven Wiser. As always, I don't own Harry Potter, so don't bother asking.

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**Memories in a Glass Bottle**

Remus Lupin listened to the gentle chords of guitar and violin. He sighed and sipped his brandy, closing his eyes and trying to ease his tired form into his favorite moth-eaten chair inside number twelve, Grimmauld Place's study. The old Victrola in the corner played a soft, refreshing acoustic melody while the ragged wizard took another sip of his powerful drink, trying to drown the memories of the pain.

Trying to drown the memories of her.

"Why can't live be a little easier on me? I've tried for so long… I've tried so hard." He buried the thoughts with another hard swig of the amber fluid.

He had done what he felt to be unspeakable. With a war raging, with lycanthropy cursing his miserable life, he had the audacity of feeling pleasure, and impregnated his wife. He reflexively squinted at the memory, conjuring the image of her soft, supple body against his in post-coital bliss. Now, they were destined to live in shame, he, the werewolf, and her, the mother of a half-werewolf, half-Metamorphmagus.

"For their own benefit," he winced, pouring himself another shot of the numbing nectar. "Better a bastard than having to answer for his father's misgivings."

The record player in the corner ceased its melody. With an agitated flick of his wand, Remus forced the player back to life, crisply echoing the soft tunes that made it so much harder to forget. Deep down, he did not want to forget. He looked down at the ring on his left ring finger. The golden band shimmered in the pale light.

Another sip, another glowering gaze down at his miserable, aching body. His grey cardigan bunched at his stomach, and his khakis rode on his legs. He pulled the cardigan down, then finally rose from his chair. He looked at the strewn letters on the oak desk. He stumbled over and picked one up.

_My darling Remus,_

_I wish you could see what a wreck I am here at Hogwarts. I worry about you every day, and I just want you to be safe. I've tried to put on a tough face, like you said, but it's so difficult. I can't morph my hair, and I don't even want to anymore. Please come home soon. Please? I miss you so much._

_With all my love,_

_'Dora_

He groaned loudly and downed the rest of his glass. Shuffling though the botched memories, he pulled out another letter, another damned instance in time where his attempts at happiness were starting to become too real.

_Dearest Dora,_

_Please be strong for me. I don't know how long Dumbledore wishes me to stay with the pack, but I must do my job. I want to continue to make the world safe for you. Nobody should have to live in fear, and if I can help with that, I will do all I can. I can only imagine how tough this is on you. I think about you every day. I think it's the thoughts of you that separate me from everyone else here. There's thirst for survival and there's lust, but there's no love or happiness. The memories of you keep me from becoming the monster I have the potential to be._

_Please stay safe. I love you so much, and a life without you isn't worth living._

_Love always,_

_Remus_

He sighed and threw the papers back down on the desk, falling back into his chair. He poured himself another stiff drink and downed it in one painful gulp. His eyes, already glazed over from the alcohol, began to fill with thick drops. Before he knew it, he was sobbing loudly, releasing his hurt and frustration onto his cardigan.

With an angry growl, he cocked his arm back and threw his glass against one of the green papered walls. It shattered onto the hardwood floor, tiny pieces scattering across the room. His reach turned to the bottle of brandy. He examined it closely before considering sending it to the same fate as his glass. On the top of the stopper, he saw the initials SB3. Memories of his fallen friend flooded his mind as he stood up and drunkenly moved to the liquor shelf, delicately returning the bottle to its place.

"You wouldn't turn your back on me, even in my darkest hours of transformation. I've done just that on my innocent wife and unborn child. How can I go back, Sirius? How?" More tears welled up in his eyes. He sighed and dismissed them with his sleeve.

Picking up his jacket, he flicked off his wand, cleaning the broken glass and quieting the Victrola. He moved to the front door, stumbling against the umbrella stand that he had, in happier times, dubbed Dora's Worst Enemy. With a pained look on his face, he weaved his way down the steps and into the cold London night. He swerved to a place where he was completely alone, turned on his heel, and Apparated to the first place he could think of… The place he felt safest.

With a gasp, he saw her gazing at the heavens from a second story window. He stumbled up to the front door and turned his key in the lock. It had no effect. Remus sighed and muttered, _"Alohomora." _ The door swung open, and he was met with the scent he had gotten to know so well over the past few years. It was of cinnamon and vanilla. Her smell.

He made his way inside and dejectedly closed the door, then removed his jacket and shoes. Quietly, he made his way to the door of their bedroom. He opened it a crack.

She grabbed her wand and strode to the door, opening it up. He saw her tear-stained face as she lowered, and finally dropped her wand.

"What?" She made her way back to the bed, the bed they used to share, and clutched a pillow.

"I wan-," he stammered. "I wanted to… apologize," he stammered out.

"Yes, that's lovely. And what of the little piece of both of us that kicks every time I mention your name? What of him? Remus Lupin, you are a mons-," she couldn't bring herself to say it. As much as she hated him, she couldn't spit out those hateful words.

He collapsed in a heap into the rocking chair he had bought for her. "I know what I am. I wanted to apologize to both of you… If you would let me, that is," he stood hesitantly, watching her reaction.

She pushed the pillow back and sat up. He drunkenly made his way over to her. She tried her best not to blanch at the smell of his breath. "Dora… I am so, so sorry."

He hugged her around her waist and pressed his lips to her clothed belly, gently kissing it. "And I'm sorry to you too, my son."

She tried her hardest not to touch him. She swore to herself the second she saw his eyes that she would not back down, yet she felt her fingers idly running through the strands of his hair. She watched as he convulsed against her, loudly sobbing while she could feel his tears soaking through her shirt.

"Remus, what you did was something that put me through all seven levels of hell. I didn't think my heart could break anymore after Sirius died, but you managed to do that," she said coolly, her fingers still running through her hair, while her own tears glided down her heart-shaped face. "You managed to hurt me so much worse."

"I-I know," he muttered in between sobs.

"And now here you are, begging forgiveness. How am I supposed to forgive you? How am I supposed to know that you won't run off again?"

Remus gasped for breath, his chest heaving. He sat up and let out a long sigh, trying to collect himself.

"I know that there's no way you can know I won't do it again," he breathed out. "That's something only time can fix. But I'm willing to put all the time I have left in my life to show you that I will be here for you and for our son."

His wife just sighed, rubbing his arm. "And what of this too old, too poor, too dangerous nonsense?"

"Here I am, without a dollar to my name, Dora. Will you take me as I am?"

"I've never shown you otherwise."

He nodded. "Then I will have to accept it. I just… I just want to be home and stay home."

He looked at her, tears still built up in her eyes. His face pleaded for forgiveness while he wiped the tears away.

"Remus… You're already home."

He sighed and kissed her softly, his lips lightly pressed against hers. More tears fell from both their eyes, but they both could tell that these tears were different.

The storm had come and had destroyed nearly everything in its path, but in the end, he had come back. He stroked her hair and swore to himself and to everything he believed in that he would never leave her again. He then realized, in one of the most critical moments in his life, that he meant it. The couple collapsed into bed, gently pulling away from the kiss.

"Dora… I'm holding on and I'm never letting go."

"I know, Remus. The same will always be true for me."

The two sighed contentedly and wrapped their bodies against each other. The mutual warmth, something he had missed so much, and something that he desperately tried to replace with liquor, was now back in his life.

There was no glass that could contain that.


End file.
